Bright Ideas for Parents..

"Communicating With Children"

Talking With Children: 4 Steps to Improving Communication

It’s not always easy to get your point across to a child. Sometimes, it seems children don’t understand, or just don’t listen. We tell them something, and five minutes later, we have to repeat it again. Likewise, it is not unusual for young children to get frustrated because they feel that we don’t understand what they’re trying to tell us! Sometimes children lack the words or the skills needed to express themselves, and they can’t get their point across very effectively.

Whether as a parent or teacher, you know the importance of communicating with children. Communication is the basic means of teaching and guiding. Without effective adult/child communication, children cannot learn. And you know that it takes more than a little effort and patience; it takes skill. When it comes to talking with children, there are four basic steps you can follow to improve your communication skills and encourage theirs, too:

Four Steps to Improved Communication:

Step One:
Understand the importance and purpose of good communication with children.

·      we communicate in order to teach, guide, promote skills, and encourage overall development

·      we communicate in order to learn from and about the child

·      we communicate to increase understanding, share feelings, and express ourselves

·      we communicate to be close and affectionate

Remember that there are many different reasons for communicating, and they may require different strategies or styles, depending on your particular goal at the time. If your goal is to communicate encouragement, you will want to choose words that build confidence.

Step Two:
Identify and overcome obstacles to positive, effective communication.

·         we can get stuck if we blame the child for the problem and stop trying to communicate

·         when we communicate only one-way, children stop listening; we have to listen as well

·         when we use discouraging words, children do not respond to us positively

·         sometimes we have hidden agendas that get in the way of honest communication

·         lack of respect and understanding for the child will also hinder positive communication

·         sometimes it is difficult to communicate when we are handling feelings and strong emotions

There are many obstacles, but each has a solution. If your obstacle is that the child is not listening, try modeling appropriate listening skills to the child. Ask a question and listen completely for the answer. Then repeat what the child said and ask if that was what the child meant to say.

Step Three:
Finding solutions means overcoming each obstacle as it comes along, and learning as you go.

·         start by taking 100% responsibility for the communication: don't ever give up!

·         develop your listening skills: take time to really listen and to understand

·         use encouraging, positive words in place of negative, discouraging ones

·         be honest and straight-forward, be gentle

·         model respect, empathy and understanding

·         be patient as children struggle with their emotions; work to handle your own emotions, too

Whatever our obstacles, they are also opportunities for us to improve our own communication skills. And the skills we learn will help us communicate more positively and effectively with everyone, not only with children. If our main obstacle is a tendency to use discouraging words, we can make a list of positive expressions as a reminder and post them nearby when we feel stuck.

Step Four:
Once you establish positive communication with a child, work to maintain it and improve it daily.

·         strive for closeness, friendship and guidance as your primary goals everyday

·         make it safe for children to express themselves, help them learn appropriate words and methods as they grow

·         don't give up if you feel overwhelmed, just let it go for a day if needed

·         show unconditional love and acceptance of a child's effort and positive intentions

·         encourage children to see the best in themselves

Our words are only one form of communication; children also look to our style, our tone, our voice and our body language for clues. Make sure you smile and comfort children often. Provide a positive communication role model that they can respect and learn from every day.

Do Listening Skills Affect Learning?

Listening is not a school subject like reading and writing. Many of us seem to feel it comes naturally and that as long as we can listen to directions on how to find the restroom, nothing more needs to be said. The latest studies reveal that listening is a very large part of school learning and is one of our primary means of interacting with other people on a personal basis. It is estimated that between 50 and 75 percent of students' classroom time is spent listening to the teacher, to other students, or to audio media. Can Parents Guide Their Children To Better Listening? According to research on listening skills, being a good listener means focusing attention on the message and reviewing the important information. Parents can model good listening behavior for their children and advise them on ways to listen as an active learner, pick out highlights of a conversation, and ask relevant questions. Sometimes it helps to "show" children that an active listener is one who looks the speaker in the eye and is willing to turn the television off to make sure that the listener is not distracted by outside interference.

Guidelines For Modeling Good Listening Skills

·         Be interested and attentive. Children can tell whether they have a parent's interest and attention by the way the parent replies or does not reply. Forget about the telephone and other distractions. Maintain eye contact to show that you really are with the child.

·         Encourage talking. Some children need an invitation to start talking. Children are more likely to share their ideas and feelings when others think them important.

·         Listen patiently. People think faster than they speak. Children often take longer than adults to find the right word. Listen as though you have plenty of time.

·         Hear children out. Avoid cutting children off before they have finished speaking. It is easy to form an opinion or reject children's views before they finish what they have to say. It may be difficult to listen respectfully and not correct misconceptions, but respect their right to have and express their opinions.

·         Listen to nonverbal messages. Many messages children send are communicated nonverbally by their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their energy level, their posture, or changes in their behavior patterns. You can often tell more from the way a child says something than from what is said. When a child comes in obviously upset, be sure to find a quiet time then or sometime later.

Suggestions For Improving Communication With Children

·         Avoid dead-end questions. Ask children the kinds of questions that will extend interaction rather than cut it off. Questions that require a yes or no or right answer lead a conversation to a dead end. Questions that ask children to describe, explain, or share ideas extend the conversation.

·         Extend conversation. Try to pick up a piece of your child's conversation. Respond to his or her statements by asking a question that restates or uses some of the same words your child used. When you use children's own phrasing or terms, you strengthen their confidence in their conversational and verbal skills and reassure them that their ideas are being listened to and valued.

·         Share your thoughts. Share what you are thinking with your child. For instance, if you are puzzling over how to rearrange your furniture, get your child involved with questions such as, "I'm not sure where to put this shelf. Where do you think would be a good place?"

·         Observe signs. Watch the child for signs that it is time to end a conversation. When a child begins to stare into space, give silly responses, or ask you to repeat several of your comments, it is probably time to stop the exchange.

·         Reflect feelings. One of the most important skills good listeners have is the ability to put themselves in the shoes of others or empathize with the speaker by attempting to understand his or her thoughts and feelings. As a parent, try to mirror your children's feelings by repeating them. You might reflect a child's feelings by commenting, "It sounds as if you're angry at your math teacher." Restating or rephrasing what children have said is useful when they are experiencing powerful emotions that they may not be fully aware of.

·         Help clarify and relate experiences. As you listen, try to make your child's feelings clear by stating them in your own words. Your wider vocabulary can help children express themselves as accurately and clearly as possible and give them a deeper understanding of words and inner thoughts.

Why Are Parents Important In Building Children's Communication Skills? Parents play an essential role in building children's communication skills because children spend more time with their parents than with any other adult. Children also have a deeper involvement with their parents than with any other adult, and the family as a unit has lifelong contact with its members. Parents control many of the contacts a child has with society as well as society's contacts with the child. Adults, parents, and teachers set a powerful example of good or poor communication. Communication skills are influenced by the examples children see and hear. Parents and teachers who listen to their children with interest, attention, and patience set a good example. The greatest audience children can have is an adult who is important to them and interested in them.